Frodo's Will
by Jake should Bite
Summary: About to be annhialated by the Shire's bully, Frodo writes a comical, sarcastic Last Will and Testament. J's first fic.
1. Default Chapter

Fic #: 1  
  
Title: Frodo's Will  
  
Writer: Technically, Jake. Actually I just told my beta, Goll, what I wanted to happen in this chapter and she wrote it. Behold the power of blackmail! I wrote the Will myself.  
  
Main Character(s): Chibi Frodo  
  
Type: Humor/Humor  
  
Disclaimer: Who does this story serve? EVERYONE! (But I'd feel better if you left me, J, the credit, thank you.) I own the Fellowship, too, but there're only 8 of them left since I pushed Legolas off a cliff after he stole my Herbal Essences shampoo for the third time. Frodo's family ties aren't correct, I didn't feel like looking them up. If you're naïve enough to think I could make a profit off this, I'll just leave you to your delusions. Good day.  
  
A young Frodo Baggins sat leaning against the trunk of a huge old tree on the edge of a vividly green field in the Shire. He idly scratched a foot and settled in a more comfortable position as he turned the page of his book, his eyes never leaving the words. After a few minutes, though, lulled by the sound of the breeze whispering through the leaves of the tree and the warm sun, his eyelids began to droop. In a few moments he'd dozed off contentedly, the book still open in his lap.  
  
Then the calm and quiet of the scene was shattered by the sound of heavy footfalls crunching over the ground. Frodo was heaved bodily into the air, squirming in panic, still half asleep.  
  
Then his vision cleared and he recognized the ugly face of his cousin, Ralo Boffin. Frodo stopped struggling and drooped helplessly as the 4- and-a- half-foot, brutishly strong Ralo held him two feet off the ground by the back of his shirt.  
  
"Hello, Cousin!" Ralo leered unpleasantly. "Thinking of going to the fair tonight?"  
  
Frodo nodded helplessly, still dangling, then squeaked out a quick "Yes!" when Ralo gave him a shake.  
  
"Good. We wouldn't want our adorable, spoiled little Frodo to miss that, would we? No! In fact, ol' Ralo'll help you get there, Cuz!" Ralo dropped the fake friendliness and growled into Frodo's face, "Better bring an extra pair of clothes, shrimp, 'cuz I'm gonna beat you into the ground. Don't even think of running, either, it'll only go worse for you." With that, Ralo dumped him down on the ground with a smirk and stomped off, crashing through bushes and flower beds and kicking a random poodle like a football over a handy fence.  
  
Frodo, in a heap on the ground, looked miserably after his cousin, then sighed out, "Oh my." and set about writing his Last Will and Testament. 


	2. The Will

Fic #: 1  
  
Title: Frodo's Will  
  
Writer: Technically, Jake. Actually I just told my beta, Goll, what I wanted to happen in this chapter and she wrote it. Behold the power of blackmail! I wrote the Will myself.  
  
Main Character(s): Chibi Frodo  
  
Type: Humor/Humor  
  
Disclaimer: Who does this story serve? EVERYONE! (But I'd feel better if you left me, J, the credit, thank you.) I own the Fellowship, too, but there're only 8 of them left since I pushed Legolas off a cliff after he stole my Herbal Essences shampoo for the third time. Frodo's family ties aren't correct, I didn't feel like looking them up. If you're naïve enough to think I could make a profit off this, I'll just leave you to your delusions. Good day.  
  
Frodo took his seat under the huge oak tree again and began scribbling.  
  
LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT  
  
I, Frodo Baggins, being of sound mind and in the legal presence of the random poodle, who shall be acting as witness and lawyer completely without his knowledge or understanding, do state that this will was written under no duress or coercion and is legally binding.  
  
To my mother, who, if I live through the encounter with Ralo, will undoubtedly be the cause of my demise, I bequeath 50 cents and the phone number of a competent anger management therapist. She will only be permitted to come into her inheritance, however, if she promises to make the call. Failing that, someone should be prepared to hold her down. Preferably 10 or 12 very buff somebodies.  
  
To my beloved cousin Ralo, who taught me that hide-and-seek is infinitely more exciting when played as a life-or-death game, I leave. NOTHING! HA! Suck dirt, scumball. Well. I guess I can leave you one thing, a very important piece of information: it was I who flushed your term paper down the toilet.  
  
To my dear grandmother, I leave all my pots and pans. I have no pots or pans. Therefore, Nana dear, I leave you yours.  
  
To my best friend Samwise, I leave my Evil Rubber Ducmc, the black one with red eyes. Hear it squeak and think of me, my friend. May it bring your bathtimes joy and fill your life with Evil Duck-y goodness.  
  
To my little baby cousin Cello, I leave another important piece of information: getting one's head caught in the railing on the side of a staircase leads only to pain and suffering. Remember that lesson well.  
  
To my aunt Draeger Boffin, I leave a can of mace. Working with my mother, I'm sure you'll have use for it sooner or later. Probably sooner.  
  
To my Grandmother Boffin, I leave my entire arsenal of prescriptions and routine medications from the baby cough syrup to the antibiotics for that poison ivy last summer, The only good thing about dying is that I won't be around to hear you complain about your pancreas. What in God's good Name is a pancreas?  
  
To my Aunt Loggo and Uncle Ranner, I leave a rubber band and a plastic spork. Did you really think I forgot that glittery pink sweater you gave me for Yule last year? My mom made me wear that godawful thing the whole time you were here. Yeah. Enjoy your spork. After all, it's the thought that counts.  
  
To my Grammy, I leave an interesting book called 'What Would Jesus Do'. Trust me, Gram, this has nothing whatever to do with the self-help book for bullies you gave me last year. I'll have you know the bite mark is almost fully healed now and he never took me to court. I guess he caught the irony of having his doctor bill paid with his own lunch money.  
  
To my little cousin Jaylin, I leave a glass of water and an electrical socket. I know you were hoping to get your grubby little paws on my toys, but this is fun too! Watch, just dip your hand in the water, right, now, you see the socket.?  
  
To my big cousin Jaylin (same name, different cousin, don'cha know), I leave my toys. You reap what you sow, cuz, you better thank all your lucmc stars individually and by name that you never said more than 5 words to me in all the time we knew each other. God bless.  
  
To my Dad, I leave a swift kick in the arse. God knows you need it. Your inheritance is to be delivered, along with my best wishes, by the person at the reading of my will with the biggest foot.  
  
Everything else I leave to the dog.  
  
X__Frodo Baggins_____________ X__(This is where the lawyer would sign if he wasn't a poodle)____ X__(This is where the witnesses would sign if they could write. Yay public schools!)_  
Frodo finished the Will with a sigh, shook his aching hand, then settled down to read and wait until Ralo came. 


End file.
